In the Dark

I don't know which is better: being always in the dark as to what happened to your loved one, or actually seeing a dead body and thus ending all hopes of seeing him or her alive.

What happened to Sec. Jesse Robredo and five others is tragic. For two days, nobody knew where he was. I could just imagine how the family felt. I could feel what they felt.

Almost twenty years has passed since my Lola went to Bohol via M/V Dona Casandra. She never returned. The boat sank somewhere in the Surigao deep. At least that's what I heard. My Aunties--her daughters--frantically searched for her everywhere: Camiguin, Butuan, Leyte, Bohol, even as far as Masbate. They hopefully inspected every patient in every hospital where survivors could have possibly been taken; thoroughly scrutinized every body in the morgue and where ever those were deposited; and then just anxiously waiting...waiting...waiting....

Nine days later--two days after my 11th birthday, I saw her. She wasn't her cheerful self. She looked at me without really seeing me. I had never seen her looking that way ever. I faced her with a lame imitation of my enthusiastic self whenever she was around. "Oy, 'La, nia ra man diay ka!" I was happy to see her finally, but scared, not of her, but of the feeling that something was not right. "Maayo pa sila kay nakit-an ilang lawas. Ako, gikaon na ko'g pating." She said forlornly.

Just then, I woke up...to a cold air hugging me.  And I remember just lying there in my bed, not crying, nor screaming. I just wasn't feeling anything.

I never saw my Lola again. Well, sometimes in my dreams. In retrospect I think that one encounter, albeit surreal, had provided some closure with my Lola. Although it allowed for some gruesome images on the fate of my Lola, it also granted some avenue for fantastic tales in my little girl's imagination. At the same time, that unearthly encounter with my Lola that night helped me resign to the fact that she wouldn't be coming to get me every vacation; that my days of travel with her were at an end.But it never stopped me from longing for her return. But then, I guess, people who'd lost a very dear one always feel that way.

This morning, finally, it was announced that the Secretary's body was found. Thus, ending the family's agony of not knowing. It might have been an end to an agony of not knowing, but it could be the beginning of the grief of losing someone dear--for good.

The pilot and co-pilot were not yet retrieved. So their families are still in the abyss of uncertainty.

My heart and my prayers go out to them all.